I don't know where the world I got dealt the hand I have been given. I am at such a loss. No matter what I do, I apparently am destined to not have a parental force in my life, nor do I have the family back up needed to survive the pain I have because of it.
I've been without a father figure in my life, for most of my 29 years. Even when he was physically there, there was never any love, guidance, or care given to me by him. When I lived with him, he used it as a way to "get back" at my mother. Me being there did nothing for him other than that. The man attempted to physically abuse me on more than one occasion. I was emotionally and mentally tormented by his lack of father-hood like qualities and experienced more abuse, in the verbal way, when he was piss ass drunk (which, was usually between 3-6 days a week). When I was 19 I had to shield my siblings under the countertop when my father had my mother by the throat. When I was 10 I had to kick him in the balls to make him get off my mother and stop choking her...in front of my then 3 year old sister. So, when he lost our house and I did the leg work of figuring it all out, I became "dead" to him. I haven't spoken to the man in 9 years. During this time he has found ways to torment me. One being when he sent a stranger to me in a bar to tell me I needed to apologize to him and that he was a wonderful man...he was in the bar that night too...So, I'll be dead to him. If thats what he wants it's a good thing I'm married because now he can say "Heather Pesko...who?"
Now on to my mother. Someone that, even as a child I definitely had a strained relationship with but that was due to the stuff my father was doing. I was to young to fully know yet old enough to see my mom being upset which then came across as her being a bitch. As I began to grow older, I noticed why she was that way and realized, we could have a relationship without that many issues...as I now understood. I helped her raise my siblings. I babysat after school. I babysat all summer, walking my brother to special reading classes Monday-Friday at 7am during the summer when I was 16 (instead of getting to go to drivers ed, like I wanted). I had to babysit my mom when she had drunken sloppy-ness and was going nuts over her "boyfriend" leaving her (this was when I was 14). Living with my father again, as a full family, I had to be there and observe the constant bullshit that seemed to engulf me. When he lost our house and left us homeless...I found us a roof over our heads. I was the one who almost got arrested for grand theft auto because we needed to two cars (I had my dad's car when we left him...so he was a jerk and called the police...technically it was marital property but the law apparently didn't see it that way). When she let a teenager that was friends with my sister move in and all Hell broke loose because he managed to single handedly break up our family, I was there for everyone. I had to stand up for my mom when she went crazy when this kid "left her". I had to sit there and defend all of my siblings as he tormented them. Hell, I even defended him when they had it out. Now when our relationship finally fell apart, I tried to get my mom to see what he had done. Just to recognize that she had chosen this now 20 year old kid over ALL four of her children...I had no back up
I managed to take in my sister when she was having a break down. I've taken care of my mom when she had a complete mental collapse. I have been the backbone for this self destructive in-cohesive family unit for almost 23 years...Where the hell is my back up? Where the hell is my family backbone? It seems like once I finally get hurt and can't take it anymore, then everyone wants me to buckle and sweep shit under the rug. Just be positive and talk to her, set things right...What the hell...why do I have to break down? Why do I continue to be hurt at the expense of this crap? Why the hell couldn't I belong to a family that wasn't so selfish and well, fucked up! I don't think any amount of counseling could fix this crap...it's the undeniable cycle of being related to these people. I can no longer stick my neck out for you, I am sorry...I am done...if you can't do the same for me...figure your bullshit out on your own next time!
Counseling with the right person could definitely help you gain some perspective and move on from all of this, with or without a relationship with your mother.
ReplyDeletePS. I'm here if you need me!
Family is, was and always will be more then blood darlin. Focus on your positive relationships you do have, like your work spouses! (And your other spouse too!) the rest will fall into place.
ReplyDeleteIt does take time, but letting go and refusing to be a glutton is a huge step in stopping the cycle.
*hug*
It’s an amazing thing, within all that adversity you stayed strong, protected your siblings and kept moving forward. Many would have given up, collapsed or strayed in the wrong direction. Good luck in your healing process.
ReplyDelete