Rid the world of Bigotry!

My friend Chris texted me this morning a little before 8am. He told me that he had been assaulted last night because he was gay. Then, he sent me a text to show me the damage. Chris's face was a bloody mess and he was swollen and bruised...oh, and missing one of his front teeth. 

Now, I have had friends get themselves into some pretty sticky situations before...most of the time because they put them-self in the proximity of that kind of stress. This time...it most definitely was not the fact. Chris attempted to leave the situation that had been brought to the place he was at. This douche bag named Ricky wouldn't let him...and then proceeded to think it was a good idea to beat the shit out of Chris to the point of loosing consciousness. 

I am so boiling mad about this. I don't understand bigotry nor do I understand the need to result to violence just because you don't "agree" and/or "like" something. Who the Hell gave these moron's the right to make that kind of a judgment call. If God didn't want people to be "different", whether that be gay, different colors, genders/trans-gendered, or religion, he wouldn't have made them. If God created everything...guess what he created you dumb asses...he created homosexuality, different races, different genders, and yes...even different religions. I will never understand the ideals of these people who are bigots and hate everything that is different about other people. You bunch of Hitler wanna-be's...get over it!

 

For more information on Hate Crimes or on how to stop these vicious attacks please visit these websites:

http://www.noh8campaign.com/

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/investigate/civilrights/hate_crimes

http://www.civilrights.org/hatecrimes/

http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/hate_crimes.html

http://www.facebook.com/pages/People-Against-Hate-Crimes/337834136121?sk=wall

:::Random thoughts in my head:::

Sometimes I have a hard time focusing on the "smaller picture." When this happens...I usually get stuck thinking about the larger, future picture. I think I need to stop and really pay attention to the now and not worry so much about the "what if's". Is there a way to shut off one's brain to accomplish this?

Sometimes I have a hard time not wanting to verbally lash out when I feel there is something wrong. There's really only been one situation (almost 8 years running) where I have had to keep quiet for the risk of having children directly affected. This urge however is getting harder and harder to subdue. I got really upset today when I found out the reason we could not "get" said children on our scheduled day (Friday) was not for the reason we were told it was for. A NYSMA competition was a culprit of a possible late arrival however a "much needed" soccer scrimmage was the reasoning as to why we couldn't get these children until noon today (Saturday). Now...because said kids' step-father will be in the "area" tomorrow (Sunday), they have to leave at 3pm. So...we get them for exactly 27 hours. Really? Hmmm...I sense a blow up coming like a volcano's lava getting ready to spew! I still don't think this woman 1.) is prepared to deal with me and 2.) has ever dealt with someone like me.

Sometimes I have a hard time controlling my emotions. The simplest things can set me off, into a crying fit. There are even times when it's something that doesn't even associate with what I am crying about. For example, sometimes a song relevant to an issue in my life will be an obvious tear jerker...othertimes...something like a dance song will send me into a fit of facial water works. I know Ke$ha can't sing for crap but I shouldn't cry when I hear her music...unless...thats why I'm crying...it hurts my brain...

Ok..my random-ness is coming to a close...Thanks for partaking in my crazy-ness.

Visitation-Family-Ties

The idea of family is important to me. Maybe because mine is so disjointed it's hard to call it a family. However, the concept remains strong in my heart. I may not have my own children but, I am helping raise three amazing kids. Sabrina, Talia, and Mikayla mean the absolute world to me, and I treat them no different than I would if I had my own children.

Whether a family is together or the majority of which are divorced, family is family. No one or side should have to feel like they aren't appreciated as just that...a family. However, it seems that this ideal does not hold true to everyone, as it should. Some decide when they will dictate when the "other side" can see the children. Most of the time, not even coming up with logical excuses as to why the children aren't coming or are being shafted out of time with the "other side." I've had to deal with this thanks to the powers that be. Everything from a basketball game, to a car wash, or an unannounced musical competition have been the culprits of loosing precious time with these children. And the idea of letting the "other side" know with almost no warning or making it a 15 year old's responsibility to relay the message is atrocious.

I wish people would get their heads screwed on straight. It's not like we live close enough to where we could do or partake in the issues that stunt our visitations. No, we live over an hour away, making it damn near impossible to do this. Another issue that bothers me about this is even though two of these children did not come (physically) from either "parent"...one did. And how dare one parent belittle the parenting of the other. The child was not immaculately conceived and therefore BOTH parents should have a say in what this child does...not one. The "other side" is involved and has been nothing short of a good parent.

I have managed to keep my mouth shut for almost 8 years and every other weekend it is becoming more and more difficult to do so. I know these are not my children but someone needs to take a stand and do what is right, by them! If that means laying out verbally the screwed up concepts of the parent of residence, oh well. They have yet to deal with someone like me who will not only out-smart, out-parent and out-wit them but someone who would give up their life for children not of her womb!

I guess my past as done one thing right. I was blessed with a big heart and enough love to go around to protect and raise children in a loving, respectful, and functional home.

 

What a life to be had...

I don't know where the world I got dealt the hand I have been given. I am at such a loss. No matter what I do, I apparently am destined to not have a parental force in my life, nor do I have the family back up needed to survive the pain I have because of it.

I've been without a father figure in my life, for most of my 29 years. Even when he was physically there, there was never any love, guidance, or care given to me by him. When I lived with him, he used it as a way to "get back" at my mother. Me being there did nothing for him other than that. The man attempted to physically abuse me on more than one occasion. I was emotionally and mentally tormented by his lack of father-hood like qualities and experienced more abuse, in the verbal way, when he was piss ass drunk (which, was usually between 3-6 days a week). When I was 19 I had to shield my siblings under the countertop when my father had my mother by the throat. When I was 10 I had to kick him in the balls to make him get off my mother and stop choking her...in front of my then 3 year old sister. So, when he lost our house and I did the leg work of figuring it all out, I became "dead" to him. I haven't spoken to the man in 9 years. During this time he has found ways to torment me. One being when he sent a stranger to me in a bar to tell me I needed to apologize to him and that he was a wonderful man...he was in the bar that night too...So, I'll be dead to him. If thats what he wants it's a good thing I'm married because now he can say "Heather Pesko...who?"

Now on to my mother. Someone that, even as a child I definitely had a strained relationship with but that was due to the stuff my father was doing. I was to young to fully know yet old enough to see my mom being upset which then came across as her being a bitch. As I began to grow older, I noticed why she was that way and realized, we could have a relationship without that many issues...as I now understood. I helped her raise my siblings. I babysat after school. I babysat all summer, walking my brother to special reading classes Monday-Friday at 7am during the summer when I was 16 (instead of getting to go to drivers ed, like I wanted). I had to babysit my mom when she had drunken sloppy-ness and was going nuts over her "boyfriend" leaving her (this was when I was 14). Living with my father again, as a full family, I had to be there and observe the constant bullshit that seemed to engulf me. When he lost our house and left us homeless...I found us a roof over our heads. I was the one who almost got arrested for grand theft auto because we needed to two cars (I had my dad's car when we left him...so he was a jerk and called the police...technically it was marital property but the law apparently didn't see it that way). When she let a teenager that was friends with my sister move in and all Hell broke loose because he managed to single handedly break up our family, I was there for everyone. I had to stand up for my mom when she went crazy when this kid "left her". I had to sit there and defend all of my siblings as he tormented them. Hell, I even defended him when they had it out. Now when our relationship finally fell apart, I tried to get my mom to see what he had done. Just to recognize that she had chosen this now 20 year old kid over ALL four of her children...I had no back up

I managed to take in my sister when she was having a break down. I've taken care of my mom when she had a complete mental collapse. I have been the backbone for this self destructive in-cohesive family unit for almost 23 years...Where the hell is my back up? Where the hell is my family backbone? It seems like once I finally get hurt and can't take it anymore, then everyone wants me to buckle and sweep shit under the rug. Just be positive and talk to her, set things right...What the hell...why do I have to break down? Why do I continue to be hurt at the expense of this crap? Why the hell couldn't I belong to a family that wasn't so selfish and well, fucked up! I don't think any amount of counseling could fix this crap...it's the undeniable cycle of being related to these  people. I can no longer stick my neck out for you, I am sorry...I am done...if you can't do the same for me...figure your bullshit out on your own next time!

The "Healthy" side of an "Easy A"

Tonight Todd and I watched the movie "Easy A." I absolutely loved the film. It was hysterical and so on point with the perception of many being based off of one. It was also an almost modern version of the Scarlet Letter...Then...it got me thinking....

I remember the good ol' days of working with some socially, educationally, and emotionally disturbed tiny humans. While there, I met some amazingly wonderful people. Of course, there was one...who in all honesty was very much like Olive, we'll call her Pimento. She was liked by many but ever so much, craved the attention of all. First it was the ear piercing laughter that could be heard in buildings that were a good quarter mile away.  Then it became the pissing off of the educators (or those that attempted to be...oh wait...nevermind...that didn't always happen). Some how, the feelings of those around were never anti-Pimento. There was a definitely a weaving of the truth to make ones self look (long shot there...unless you like carbs and tasty breakfast treats) better. The final straw was the "getting" of the teacher of a certain field most often associated with biology of the human race. Once that cat (and eh....when I say cat...I mean the kind you throw shoes at) was out of the bag, it seemed all Hell broke loose (hahahaha what a term....loose). Then the giant Russian man (think Rocky movies...only this "Russian" was far less impressive...in many ways) came into the picture. Apparently Pimento felt the need to shake her branches (of Redwood proportions) at this one too. Due to the disturbing amount of attention, Pimento's attitude was shifting and becoming the "Anti-Olive". Things that didn't go her way warranted a slew of monstrous lies being flung like the poo of chimps.

Unfortunately, I was one that because I just didn't want to deal anymore with the lies, I was hit with her (muffin) poo. The thoughts of me via my employer had changed with one evil little deception. Although, I still throw up a little in my mouth whenever her Weeble self is mentioned, I know...I am in such a better place.

Thank you...I know you all laughed a little...you're welcome!

Hmmm Mothers Day Weekend...

So this is going to be the most awkward Mother's Day for me, to date. I'm almost stuck with thoughts of what I should do. Mom and I had a falling out this past January and haven't really spoken since. My Birthday was basically forgotten or at least not acknowledged by her. This is partially the reason why I feel like I am in the purgatory of thought about this "holiday". 

I know I am 29 years old and that I should be the responsible adult, moving on from the issues I've faced. However, the ever lingering feeling of abandonment is like an incurable disease. I just can't seem to shake it. I also know that discussing how I feel with my Mom should be whats done. I just can't seem to make myself face her. It's not out of guilt, I definitely know that is not what I am feeling. Although, I do think is tied closely to the feeling of despair. I don't know how to approach the issue without fully losing it.

----> I think this is due to the fact I've gone through Hell with my Father and I don't know if I am prepared to do it all over again with my Mom. I know that whenever I see my Father I see red and it's almost uncontrollable to not lunge at him and make him feel the pain I feel due to his actions. 

So, now I am left with the questions of: Do I or Don't I? Do I acknowledge my Mom on the holiday representing all that Mom's do for us children. Or....Do I not acknowledge her due to the fact she has not acknowledged my presence for almost six months? Is it the mature thing to walk away and never look back until she realizes what happened? Or....do I confront the situation, possibly making it 1000x's worse. 

 

 

Respite PRIDE

This week at work Chris and I initiated operation PRIDE banner on Wednesday and Thursday. At the HCA our 5 main reasons for being there are: Protect, Respect, Initiative, Document, & Environment. Our Director had asked each house to make a PRIDE banner to show at our upcoming quarterly training. Here are some pics of our progress...then the final outcome.

 

The beginning of the banner

Long view

Jessica making finger print borders

Can you see what the kids spelled out?

The final result

I think the banner turned out amazing. We had some of the individuals as well as staff put their hand prints on each colored square as well as the white area. We included a poetry verse as well:

"Many warming hands that always want to play that never stop exploring the wonder of today."

Sometimes I feel so grateful that I have finally found a place to work...that just feels right. It feels like I am finally where I need to be. And, while that occupational happiness may seem foreign I welcome it with open arms!

Off to the gym I go...

Well, here I am...plopped in front of the computer screen but, I did do something healthy and good for myself today, at no cost to me, thanks to the AWESOME job I have. Today, I had to have a physical for a gym membership.

Now, going through the "exercises" for the physical was not only embarrassing but humiliating as well. Although, not because of the person helping me, she was nice and very understanding. However, I was so ashamed of the "numbers" I saw. So, the plan....going to the gym! Having 1 hour a day where I can watch TV in peace on the elliptical!

Now, I if any of the "meat heads" in the gym so much as look my way with cocky grin or laughter poring out of them, I will not hesitate to kick them in their steroid enhanced ass! That will be some good motivation huh? =)

Bin-Gone?

So, Osama Bin Laden is dead, shot in the left eye by pumped up Secret Operatives, they take his blood, match it to his dead sisters DNA...so we "know" 99.9% that he is who we think he is...then we plunk him in the sea for his burial (per the Islam tradition, within 24 hours there must be a burial).

I don't know how I feel quite yet. I mean, he's dead which does equal some relief for what happened on 9/11. However...the fact that we trained him (yes, we did...during the Iranian/Russian war) makes me feel like what if he's not gone. Or, if he really is, what are the repercussions of our actions? Will this bring about more issues with the Al-Quieda units that are now more wide spread throughout the world?

I then think about the stories of Armageddon and the "Coming of Days"...did we spark the 3rd World War? I don't know if I'm ready to deal with all that. I wish there was a way that peace was what people wanted. I feel like fighting and war is so deep seeded into the human race, we're almost bound to destruction by our own hands.

But, as an American...I still wave my flag in honor of those who 1.) died on 9/11 and 2.) those who have lost their lives fighting against this war, and the false-stated wars that were supposedly linked to this man and 3.) those who are still fighting. I honor your courage and amazing strength to do what you do.