Learning To Live In Happiness

 It has come to my attention that I need to put focus on what is important to me in my life. I have had some time to sit and think, almost meditate, over this. I've come to the conclusion for as much confusion and chaos rattles my life to it's core, I truly have a lot to be happy for. I think it is due time that I let in the light and try very hard to close off the dark that so often seeps into my being. 

Being married to Todd has had it's trials and tribulations, as any marriage has, but all in all it has been a blessing to have a strong, honorable man to call my husband. He would give the shirt off his back if someone needed it. This is a definite trait I see in his Father and his Grand-Father (whom I've never met). I am so happy to have him to provide me with the love I've wanted for so long. 

Then there is Sabrina, Talia, and Mikayla. They may not be mine but I love them more than life itself. I would do anything for these children. I am here for the long haul and I have so much love and experience to share with you. You fill my heart with a kind of love I didn't know I was capable of.

Of course then there is my family. God knows we've had lots of misery, fights, and silence. However, no matter what, we always manage to come together when we need each other. I hope this is something that remains this way forever. I love you all and I see so much in each one of you. 

Mom, you have made great strides. To see you smile and show "true" happiness lifts my heart to distances far beyond belief. Whether it's who you are with or the work you've done on your own, I am so happy you're in a place of such peace. I hope that someday I can reach this level of contentment.

As for my friends. I've seen some come and I've seen some exit. There is a handful that have remained by my side, even if we're not around each other all the time. There is a handful of new friends that I would not trade for the world itself. I hope to continue on our paths, together, even if apart. 

So, here's to happiness...if I "fall" off...catch me and bring me back where I belong. <3 <3

Where Do All The Friendships Go?

I never thought I would ever experience the loss of something and someone I hold in the most sacred part of my being. 
In my heart you have always held one of the keys. You were what I wanted so badly when things went poorly in my life. I thought
I held that same prized possession with you.

The above heart translates in two ways for me now.
1) Best friends always have a piece of each others hearts. Even if not close by distance, they are always close at the heart.
2) My heart feels like this looks...broken in two. Only thing is, I apparently have both pieces. Your silence returned your half.

I really do wonder if I am the only one feeling this way? Or have I just been replaced? Twenty-six years and tons of good times...not so many bad, where did it go?

Alone in a world spinning out of control

For so long I have attempted to be strong. For so long I have held this facade so near and dear to my heart that I almost believed it was real. Slowly, that falsehood as begun to chip away at itself. I am growing more and more impatient with where I am by every minute that flies by. I am left in a state of complete and utter chaos within myself. I don't have ability to turn and seek advice. One can't gain knowledge from people who are more broken than the one asking for help. I have tried explaining my silence. I have vocalized what my "issue" is time and time again yet it apparently goes unheard. I feel like I have no where to turn. There are those that offer their shoulders and ears and for that I am appreciative. I just wish I mattered to those that I am so undeniably supportive of and love with all my heart. I want to be noticed, appreciated, feel loved, whisked off my feet, feel the admiration one should feel when they are in love. I have survived so much heartache and pain in the twenty nine years I have been on this planet that I honestly don't know if I can handle anymore. Yet, without fail, here I am again, knocking on the door of said pain. All I want to do is run from it and somewhere find where I truly belong. I take care of everyone else, and advise those who need it but there is no one taking care of me and tending my heart, my issues, my nightmares, my fears, my passions. I guess, I am just wondering when it will be my turn to feel more than what I do now. This song, by Faith Hill, says it all!

"It Matters To Me"
Baby tell me where'd you ever learn
To fight without sayin' a word
Then waltz back into my life
Like it's all gonna be alright
Don't you know how much it hurts

When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

Maybe I still don't understand
The distance between a woman and a man
So tell me how far it is
And how you can love like this
'Cause I'm not sure I can

When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

Played By A Puppet Master

Being there for a friend is one of the most genuine forms of flattery a person can show. And when that friend is in extreme need coming to their aide is the job of a friend. What happens when it all goes wrong? I'll tell you.

My sisters best friend (We'll call her Beatrice) has been like a sister to us since they started their friendship. I was the older (wiser...lol) sister who was also the babysitter. I honestly loved this kid as if she was a part of my family...unfortunately, they started to drift apart after high school. Beatrice got herself a boyfriend and things quickly spiraled out of control (by her own admission). She ended up heading down the path of not only psychological destruction but emotional and physical as well. She thought she found the solution when she met her "husband" (we'll call him Satan). Satan went to jail (if I'm not mistake 2 or 3 times). They even got married there....much to her loving parents surprise.

Now...things started to go terribly wrong when Satan came home. Fights breaking out, drugs being done, drugs being sold, cars being driven without proper licenses etc. So, what do me and my sister do? We come to the rescue. I let Beatrice stay at my house for a little under a week so her father and my sister could attempt to get her out of the situation she had gotten herself in. Weeks later, I am leaving work 3 hours early because Beatrice decided that a bottle of pills would be a better solution than leaving on her own two feet. My sister and I even made plans to see her in the psych ward she got herself admitted to. Always there to lend that ever supportive hand to a LOVED ONE in need. Plans then were set in place to move Beatrice away from the apartment her and Satan shared. However, that didn't seem to stop Beatrice from going there...and even getting into one more heated situation where she damn near chopped her own hand off by punching a window. Again...my sister was there for her.

Now, when she leaves posts on facebook about wanting to change what had happened in the last few months and my sister leaves and encouraging response, my sister gets verbally attacked by Satan, calling her fat and saying she looks pregnant. Now, I know I am almost 30 years old but this set me off a bit...there is no reason to attack anyone that has helped your "WIFE" so graciously. So, I made sure that Captain Heroin knew I wasn't going to stand for that...

So this morning...I go to check on her facebook, not for his stupidness but to see if she was ok...low and behold I am not only deleted, but I am blocked...weird...hmm...ok...Come to find out, so is my sister...Beatrice's "best friend". However, we were able to find a way to see what had been posted...and Satan went off on a rant calling us fat, C----, etc. etc. etc...and Beatrice stood by him. I am completely and utterly appalled by this. And, I'd like to say that Beatrice is no longer welcome in my life, my home, my breathing space. I feel like after everything my sister and I have done for her we were just slapped in the face. And why did this happen? Because a low-life Heroin addict scum bag is playing Beatrice as if she were a marionette puppet. He has the strings and she does as she's directed.

Its so sad to see someone so young in such an abusive relationship that she can't even see, nor acknowledge the loving hands that once tried to help her on her feet...those hands are no longer there Beatrice...and if you fall...it's your own fault. You will realize this when there is no one left to catch you.

Ahhh Father's Day....

Well it is time once again for that commercial holiday known as "Father's Day." Every year for the last ten years this day is very difficult for me to get through. If one did not know me, one would think that maybe I lost my father. Well...in fact I did and I didn't. 

Ten years ago, my mom and I discovered that my father had lost our house after he defaulted not only on the mortgage but the taxes as well. We became homeless for almost a month then forced to live in a shack of a trailer. Meanwhile, he was partying it up with his sister (my Godmother oddly enough). It was like what happened had no effect on him what-so-ever. 

I made it out of that dark tunnel of 2003. I fell a couple of times but I made it, and I made it out with a college degree and the meeting of my husband. After I left my mom's and moved in with my now husband, I found out I had been disowned by my father's entire side of the family, simply because I stood up, never backed down, and never caved in for his lies. He has gone so far to tell people I don't exist.

 So "Father's Day" has come to hold an new meaning for me. I've decided that I will celebrate this holiday and rejoice in the fact I have three men in my life that will always be the best "father's" a girl could want. My husband, Todd has been my rock for almost 8 years. Even when he doesn't understand my "Daddy issues" he really does try to be supportive. Above all, he gives me the unconditional love, I have longed for my whole life. My Grandfather, Jack is everything I could ever ask for in a father figure. He has been there for not only me but my mom, my brother, and my sisters through everything. Always providing that shoulder to cry on and a helping hand. I couldn't have asked for a more suitable candidate to walk me down the aisle. Finally, there is my Father-in-Law, Ed. He has shown me what a father's love can do for a child. He's done so with grace and integrity, something I've never seen before. I know Todd plans on following in his steps, as he's already started. So, when Todd and I begin our family, I know my children will have what they need in a father. 

I may never forget nor do I think I have the ability to forgive for the pain this "father of mine" has inflicted on me all these years, but I know I can only keep trying to move forward and better myself. And, now, I know I have the unconditional, undeniable support from these three men...and hey, 3 is better than 1 isn't it?

An Agency Gone Wrong

The concept of working with troubled youth (or youth in general really) is one that is to ensure not only the safety of the children but to ensure growth and stability. It is not to reinforce bad behavior by giving in just so you don't have to deal with it. When it comes to education, you don't let things slide just because "they're broken children". You can not begin to help/fix these children until you make sure they have the education required in life. Even if that education is "history, math, science, and language arts" these will help create critical thinkers who will be able to make decisions based on knowledge not just raw emotion. I have believed this from the day I began working with youth and I will make sure when I have my own children that this is passed down to them.


Agencies that are dedicated to the troubled youth should hold these standards at pinnacle of their mission. If they are not, then the agency fails. If a child can not get the education they deserve, how are they going to be able to make logical choices in life? How can they make "educated" decisions? If they have a "disability" that's alright. As an agency you step up to the plate and show them how to bat so they can hit that home-run and  get what they can out of the game called life! You most certainly do not say "could you give them a break". I know for a fact there are children out there in NYS that are not "regents" material and with or without a "disability" they will struggle with these exams. But, this is why teaching is so important.

I know of a few teachers, whom I love dearly, that have tried their hardest to ensure that these ideals are met. Unfortunately, they are constantly side-lined with their efforts. Yet the person who is probably the worst excuse for a teacher I've ever seen is glorified by the (education) administration. Tell me how in the world this is healthy for the children they serve? It just doesn't make sense to me at all.

When this is part of your mission statement, as an agency it may want to be followed. It may be a good idea to hold your administration and decision makers to these values and principles. They are supposed to be beneficial to the children served! To not follow these is an absolute injustice to these children. Stop fooling the community and state into thinking you're "amazing" when you've failed so miserably!


VALUES & PRINCIPLES
Hope - We believe in the possibility for growth, change and forgiveness. We nurture that belief in ourselves and in others.
Healing - We promote a climate where people feel safe and experience improved physical, emotional and spiritual health.
Caring - We show compassion in how we treat others. We show sensitivity to their concerns, problems or pain. We reassure them that they are not alone.
Respect - We see the best in others regardless of who they are. Our words and actions recognize the special needs and individuality of each person we serve or with whom we work.
Integrity - We are honest in what we say and do. Honesty and competence are fundamental in developing trust.
Responsibility - We hold ourselves accountable for our decisions and actions. We believe every person has the capacity to make decisions and understand the consequences.
Collaboration - We use teamwork to accomplish more than any of us could by working alone. We believe we can best serve and care for others by blending the talents and dedication of many caring people and organizations.
Stewardship - We make wise use of the resources entrusted to us.

Rid the world of Bigotry!

My friend Chris texted me this morning a little before 8am. He told me that he had been assaulted last night because he was gay. Then, he sent me a text to show me the damage. Chris's face was a bloody mess and he was swollen and bruised...oh, and missing one of his front teeth. 

Now, I have had friends get themselves into some pretty sticky situations before...most of the time because they put them-self in the proximity of that kind of stress. This time...it most definitely was not the fact. Chris attempted to leave the situation that had been brought to the place he was at. This douche bag named Ricky wouldn't let him...and then proceeded to think it was a good idea to beat the shit out of Chris to the point of loosing consciousness. 

I am so boiling mad about this. I don't understand bigotry nor do I understand the need to result to violence just because you don't "agree" and/or "like" something. Who the Hell gave these moron's the right to make that kind of a judgment call. If God didn't want people to be "different", whether that be gay, different colors, genders/trans-gendered, or religion, he wouldn't have made them. If God created everything...guess what he created you dumb asses...he created homosexuality, different races, different genders, and yes...even different religions. I will never understand the ideals of these people who are bigots and hate everything that is different about other people. You bunch of Hitler wanna-be's...get over it!

 

For more information on Hate Crimes or on how to stop these vicious attacks please visit these websites:

http://www.noh8campaign.com/

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/investigate/civilrights/hate_crimes

http://www.civilrights.org/hatecrimes/

http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/hate_crimes.html

http://www.facebook.com/pages/People-Against-Hate-Crimes/337834136121?sk=wall